Just explain why

Why is this so fucking hard for me? I try so hard to get it, but my damn head takes off in another direction. I mean shit for two days I felt like I was heading in a good direction. The pain of yet another divorce right at the for front of my mind. But I was coping, dealing with my life. Now I feel neurotic, NOT a good feeling to have. I repeat NOT a good feeling to have. So I find myself pacing, not able to eat, mind racing, writing and getting lost in my artwork. But unresolved. I KNOW I have to find the resolution within. Logically I understand because I am very intelligent. However emotionally I feel blindfolded with no sense of direction. What an awful fucking feeling. Obsessing. Yeah I know what you are thinking Liisa.....WHY Julie, WHY? What is there to obsess about? Why are you getting all worked up? You know who you are and what you want. You don't need this and you don't want this. But I feel unresolved, no closure. I am trying so hard to refocus my energy, I spent all day with my kids, watching them, playing with them. It was wonderful, I felt like that was what my life was all about. Then I retreat and I cant turn my fucking head off! Why cant I be fucking stupid?


Cheers my fucking ass