Change is coming

Today my life felt good. Now it is feeling at odds. Early I felt grounded. Now I would say it feels like being hit with a baseball bat in the face. NOT a good feeling. All the dynamics of my marriage just played out over a three hour conversation. The utopia of the lighthearted conversation......then everything gets serious....too serious....then I have to come terms with the fact that I actually filed for divorce. That I KNOW it is right, but that there is some unresolved feelings that I have. I just want to scream right now in PAIN. I KNOW I am doing the right thing. Two very different people, with very different views and interpretations. I don't like feeling hurt again. I don't like being told by my husband that I caused him to physically hurt me. I don't like it, almost feels like I am being re-victimized by the event all over again. No matter what I say and what boundaries I put fourth he tries to get around them, just so that he can say what he thinks. Everyone deserves to be heard and understood. I really believe that. I also think that he does deserve to hear how I feel. He asks me and I should tell him. But I don't. You know why? Because he always has to argue with my view, my feelings, they are never right. When the pushing of issues verbally got too much for me I would KINDLY say it was time to stop. That meant NOTHING to this man. I would have to remove myself from the situation physically and lock myself in a room to get away....to feel the boundaries. Things were awful. But I loved him. And love crept way from me slowly, to keep me safe. Until I so numb that I could make the leap to leave and move forward. Nights like tonight bring the pain back to the for front of my life. It is hard and I will need to get a good cry from all of this. What I do know is that I will make progress from this pain. I will live, I will learn and I will grow to be a better person.

I was a distant muthafucka tonight, DAMN me.
Tomorrow I will get those DIVORCE papers to the post office and to the sunny state of FLORIDA!


Fuckin Cheers!!