What the FUCK?!?!?!?!

Ok my whole fucking world tipped upside down around 3:35 today. I know the exact time because I looked. Fuck. So I found out today that my husband~John is in town. Um hello what the fuck? So of course I can only possibly have negative thoughts about this. Like let's see....getting a lawyer, counter filing on the divorce....Not good. I guess I just didnt think that he would get the papers and leave his job in Florida and fly home. But that is exactly what he did. So needless to say I spent about one hour this afternoon so fucking sick to my stomach that I couldnt think straight. Being the person that I am, I said "screw it" and called him. You know I am in charge of my life and the path that it goes down. I decided that I wasnt going to wait for him to notify me that he was in town. Think I really suprised him. Oh well. We agreed that it would be in Jillian's best interest to see him since it has been 5 1/2 months. We met at a park down the street from my house. All three of our kids were there, and of course us. It was awkward at first but we embraced and moved forward. This whole thing is so fucked up. I saw the sadness in his eyes and could tell that he was lost without us, his family. Inside I knew that we are no family, we are chaos. The choas may not be present at that moment, but I KNOW it exists and will surface. The kids played and John catered to his princess Jillian. I watched in silence and took pictures. He kept coming back to me with those confused eyes, and I understood. FUCK this sucks. Ok enough of the play by play it went on for hours. Cant tell if I feel better or worse.
I guess he left his job to come back and deal with the divorce. It is my understanding that he may not have a job to return to. FUCK. But I guess I understand why he came back in such a hurry. I just pray to the shit gods that he didnt retain a lawyer and that we are doing this the most civil low cost way possible.
Summary- we are going to mediation to settle custody. What is there to settle? He works in Florida??? Is he not happy with every other weekend? What else was I suppose to propose at this point? Jeez she is 2 1/2 years old. So I guess I am gonna get served with response papers here soon. How freakin exciting.

As for me, the real me. I am going to focus really really hard on internal peace and security. Those are the two things that I have total control over, no one else can fuck with them.

Night I really need the rest, if my damn brain will allow it!


Cheers~