When I needed you

I remember the night that I needed you. You weren't there anymore. Lost is the feeling that I felt without you. I tried to believe that you still wanted me, although you are gone. It seems like I am blind, unable to see, arms waving before me trying to find something to grasp onto. Nothing is real anymore, you are gone.

I remember the night that I cried for you, or at least that you would be there to hold me. You weren't there anymore, maybe you were never there. I cant tell. I woke up and thought I felt your arms around me, yet they weren't. Not even sure I know what that feels like, so I pretend.

I remember the night I waited for you to call and you never did. The feelings that overwhelmed me spinning out of control. Cant believe that I thought you would call, you only do when you see fit. I have heard all the excuses before, this is not new to me and you.

I remember the night that I held the blade to my skin, or at least my thoughts were so vivid that I could feel the coolness touch me. Yet I didn't do it. Instead I let my thoughts come out on paper, makes the pain almost as real.

I remember when I decided not to care anymore. Or at least that is what I try to convince myself to keep moving forward. Wishing all those tears that I had tucked away would once again visit me. Yet they don't, they elude me like sleep often does. I think I can feel them, rationality takes over, and they are gone again.

I remember always being in pain, yet being too strong to let my emotions out.

I want to remember all the good times in life, not just the bad ones that drive my walls up and shut me down.