Breaking Hearts....
I feel so disconnected...but I know it is a part of coping with this situation. Jeremy is right, I am fragile right now. Although I would never openly admit that, because I have always been such a strong person. However strength can be a front, I know that. I guess that is why I put myself in situations where I get shit on sometimes. It forces me to realize just how fragile I am. It also teaches me lessons about myself. Sound fucked up? Might be. Do I know a lot more about myself today then I did 8 months ago? Yes. There have been many teachers presented to me in those months. Some in which brought sorrow and some in which brought strength. In the end the sorrow, however painful at the time, created growth. For that I am grateful. Without interactions with other people I would not be who I AM today. I AM a product of my life. That I accept whole heartedly.
So today, was hard for me. That is why I am feeling disconnected. Guilt also plays a part in this. Guilt that plagues me constantly. From what? From having to tell John that I feel like it is too late for counseling, the end result is still imminent, divorce. That when I asked him over and over again to go to therapy together he said no. Now he is saying yes, and I am saying no. What should I really make of all of this? A sign? Should I discount the rollercoaster ride this relationship has created in my life to keep my family together? I just cannot and will not lose myself again. Become someone I do not know, nor have any desire to be.
As I watched this man cry today and feel really bad that he passed up the chance to make a marriage with me work, I felt bad......disconnected....building my wall. Wondering if I should let him back into my world. Then I ask myself why it had to get to filing for divorce to make him come home, to make him realize the pains and struggles I have endured over the last 9 months. Yes it has been nine months.
So what do I do? Please someone tell me.....
So today, was hard for me. That is why I am feeling disconnected. Guilt also plays a part in this. Guilt that plagues me constantly. From what? From having to tell John that I feel like it is too late for counseling, the end result is still imminent, divorce. That when I asked him over and over again to go to therapy together he said no. Now he is saying yes, and I am saying no. What should I really make of all of this? A sign? Should I discount the rollercoaster ride this relationship has created in my life to keep my family together? I just cannot and will not lose myself again. Become someone I do not know, nor have any desire to be.
As I watched this man cry today and feel really bad that he passed up the chance to make a marriage with me work, I felt bad......disconnected....building my wall. Wondering if I should let him back into my world. Then I ask myself why it had to get to filing for divorce to make him come home, to make him realize the pains and struggles I have endured over the last 9 months. Yes it has been nine months.
So what do I do? Please someone tell me.....
posted by Internet_chick at 12:38 PM
1 Comments:
Of course, I can't tell you what to do. I suppose it could be easy for someone to say, "Too little, too late" or "Give it one more chance," but I suspect you really know what to do already - and if you truly don't, that just means you need to give yourself time to clear your head and listen to what that inner voice is waiting to tell you.
For what it's worth, guilt is never good when you're trying to make a decision - it makes us all prone to do things simply to appease someone else rather than because it makes the most sense for ourselves. As far as I can tell, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
You presented John with this option months ago but he didn't take you up on it. If that means his sudden reappearance is too late to help, that's not your fault; that's his, and he will have to deal with the consequences of his own action (or rather, inaction).
If you ultimately decide to attend counseling and reconcile with him, you should be proud to have taken the steps necessary to wake John up to what you will need in order to have a successful second go-around; that's not something you should feel bad about.
And I guess there's a third option, that you go to counseling with John but still decide divorce is the better option; even then, you've helped steer both of you towards the tools you need to navigate the divorce. Again, I don't see where that's a bad thing.
From where I sit, John made you wait nine months to get to this point - asking him to wait a few days or even a week or two for you to sort through your own feelings is completely valid. Better you take the time now than commit to a plan of action that you later wish you hadn't chosen.
And I definitely relate to the "strength is a front" comment - I would rather do anything than admit I need help myself. That said, our EAP rocks when you need free, short-term counseling, and a staff member there might be able to help you (or the both of you) in making this decision. Good luck - and please know that there are many people who want nothing but the best for you.
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