A day of CONFUSION
So last night I was up until 1:00 am which is odd for me. I spent a few hours randomly chatting with a friend on line. During that time I did a little drawing, half assed unfortunately. I feel somewhat lost again. Uncertain of my path, which direction I am pointed. Sadly enough I tried to talk Jeremy into making me cry last night. I feel so fucking numb so I thought maybe he could hurt me with some of his personal insight into me, for what that is worth. He said that the didn't think he could upset me any further then he already had. I know where I stand with him, that is a certainty in my life. Ok I am off track..... Jeremy said that he wanted to hit the sack, meaning he was done with me, oh fuckin well. We all need our downtime. I retreated to my space and listened to music and wrote in my journal until sleep stole the rest of the night away from me. Really wish it was that simple for me. I think so much that I cant turn off at night. There are times when I have to take something to force myself to rest, last night was one of them.
I woke up at 10:30 this morning. I cant remember when the last time I slept in so late. It was wonderful. I showered, drank my joe, read the paper and moved on to the CONFUSION.
Today was the day that I had prearranged "divorce" talk with John. We had no where to go since neither of us have a home any longer. So we went to the U of O campus and sat on a bench and talked business. I can handle business, I treat it just like that, business. Unemotional get the job done. But wait this is my life, how can I do that? We spent a few hours on that bench, going over and over the issues at hand. Then it became so overwhelming to me. He said "Julie I will be gone for 8 to 10 months out of the year. We can make this work, you can have your space, you can be yourself. I will buy us a house, I will make the mortgage payments and take care of my family. I told you things would be different when I was done with school. Please just consider it." God I am so scared of this proposition. He seems so confused by some of the e-mails I had sent him in the past, by the person that I was sitting before him. I said "this is who I am, I write to express myself, I write to get it all out, I draw because I have to, because I need to. This is the person that I have always been, not the person that felt like a marionette being directed day in and day out. I cannot stand that person." I could see in his eyes that he longed to know me again and would do anything with his words to keep me near. But I am afraid, and I say "John actions speak louder then words". He knows that, but does he really know it? I want to keep myself safe emotionally, however I have built the wall up that wont allow me to fully process and cry. Let it out. Make my decision. It wasn't until we went to a restaurant on campus to eat when I realized that I could say just order something for me, and knew I would get something good. That I will give him credit for. The man changed his eating habits and would make me anything vegetarian. Today he ordered me a wonderful tofu buritto. Sounds funny huh? Talking about food, but those are the good things that I remember that he did for me. So after I was done eating and debating income, parenting time and the "Van" a song came on in the cafe. Think it was Billy Joel "Piano Man". Ok lost it, tried really hard to keep the tears in but I just couldn't. Yet I didn't want to look weak and vulnerable at that time. But I cried and let him wipe my tears and hold me. I knew that is all that he had wanted to do anyways, and tell me it was going to be ok. The type of things that I had struggled so long to not let him do. Today I let him comfort me briefly and said I am done for today. At that moment I snapped. I felt myself getting too close to the "RIVER". I went into instant mid level anxiety, free floating, eyes wide open as if they were being propped in that position. I got in my van, drove to my house, dropped him off at this car, and said good bye. Went to get the kids while in utter CONFUSION, returned home and have "pretended" that everything is ok. But I know it isn't. I know I will once again retreat to my journal tonight, music playing and get in touch with what I want and need out of my life. This week I will take a mental health day and get back on path. On path within myself.
Cheers~
I woke up at 10:30 this morning. I cant remember when the last time I slept in so late. It was wonderful. I showered, drank my joe, read the paper and moved on to the CONFUSION.
Today was the day that I had prearranged "divorce" talk with John. We had no where to go since neither of us have a home any longer. So we went to the U of O campus and sat on a bench and talked business. I can handle business, I treat it just like that, business. Unemotional get the job done. But wait this is my life, how can I do that? We spent a few hours on that bench, going over and over the issues at hand. Then it became so overwhelming to me. He said "Julie I will be gone for 8 to 10 months out of the year. We can make this work, you can have your space, you can be yourself. I will buy us a house, I will make the mortgage payments and take care of my family. I told you things would be different when I was done with school. Please just consider it." God I am so scared of this proposition. He seems so confused by some of the e-mails I had sent him in the past, by the person that I was sitting before him. I said "this is who I am, I write to express myself, I write to get it all out, I draw because I have to, because I need to. This is the person that I have always been, not the person that felt like a marionette being directed day in and day out. I cannot stand that person." I could see in his eyes that he longed to know me again and would do anything with his words to keep me near. But I am afraid, and I say "John actions speak louder then words". He knows that, but does he really know it? I want to keep myself safe emotionally, however I have built the wall up that wont allow me to fully process and cry. Let it out. Make my decision. It wasn't until we went to a restaurant on campus to eat when I realized that I could say just order something for me, and knew I would get something good. That I will give him credit for. The man changed his eating habits and would make me anything vegetarian. Today he ordered me a wonderful tofu buritto. Sounds funny huh? Talking about food, but those are the good things that I remember that he did for me. So after I was done eating and debating income, parenting time and the "Van" a song came on in the cafe. Think it was Billy Joel "Piano Man". Ok lost it, tried really hard to keep the tears in but I just couldn't. Yet I didn't want to look weak and vulnerable at that time. But I cried and let him wipe my tears and hold me. I knew that is all that he had wanted to do anyways, and tell me it was going to be ok. The type of things that I had struggled so long to not let him do. Today I let him comfort me briefly and said I am done for today. At that moment I snapped. I felt myself getting too close to the "RIVER". I went into instant mid level anxiety, free floating, eyes wide open as if they were being propped in that position. I got in my van, drove to my house, dropped him off at this car, and said good bye. Went to get the kids while in utter CONFUSION, returned home and have "pretended" that everything is ok. But I know it isn't. I know I will once again retreat to my journal tonight, music playing and get in touch with what I want and need out of my life. This week I will take a mental health day and get back on path. On path within myself.
Cheers~
posted by Internet_chick at 9:24 PM
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