Breaking point
Where is my breaking point? I think I felt some of it yesterday, but tucked it neatly away as to face another day of responsibility. I know me and I know me well. There is a fine line between feeling the emotions and feeling overwhelmed by the emotions. Tomorrow and a few other days this week I am going to take the afternoons off as to regroup myself. Take inventory of where I am in life and what I want. Look at where the road may lead me on this journey called life. I am just so confused right now. I need a good cry, feel the loss of my choices and the fear uncertainty brings me. Like I explained to John tonight, I am numb and calm to what chaos the topic of divorce should bring out in me. I am safe right now. However I KNOW that the minute he gets on the plane to go back to Florida I will come unglued, saddened, and possibly remorseful. That is and has been my safety mechanism in this marriage for a long time. That type of emotionally control doesn't suit my life any longer. I need to be real so he can deal with me and how I am feeling inside. He actually asked me how my practice was tonight, and listened as well. Pretty major for him. I was scared to answer because of the usual conflict that such a conversation brought up in the past. Instead I readjusted my behavior and told it like it was. It was great. Felt wonderful to be outside, I hit and fielded well. No negative comments....WHAT THE FUCK??? So I am accepting it as it is, just that, not a big deal. Anyways....I am extremely tired from the lack of sleep and the energy it takes to keep my many thoughts in order. I was up writing late last night, listening to music, hoping I would let something out. If I wrote down everything on this page that goes through my head at night the average person would be dumbfounded. And well it would be embarrassing as well.
Adia I do believe I failed you. Adia I know I let you down.Don't you know I tried so hard.To love you in my way.It's easy let it go...Adia I'm empty since you left me.Trying to find a way to carry on.I search myself and everyone.To see where we went wrongcause there's no one left to finger.There's no one here to blame.There's no one left to talk to, honey.And there ain't no one to buy our innocence cause we are born innocent.Believe me adia, we are still innocent.It's easy, we all falter.Does it matter? Adia I thought that we could make it.But I know I can't change the way you feel.I leave you with your misery.A friend who won't betray.I pull you from your tower.I take away your pain.And show you all the beauty you possess.If you'd only let yourself believe that.We are born innocent.Believe me adia, we are still innocent.It's easy, we all falter, does it matter? Believe me adia, we are still innocent cause we are born innocent.Adia we are still innocent.It's easy, we all falter ... but does it matter?
posted by Internet_chick at 9:18 PM
1 Comments:
If you're looking for an emotional release - an excuse to cry, sob until your eyes are puffy, your nose is running, and you have that cathartic sense of cleansing, I find movies often do the trick for me. Steel Magnolias, Under the Tuscan Sun, An Affair to Remember, Beaches, Terms of Endearment - any of them tend to work for me.
But I also have tried something once or twice that is a little nutty, but it works as a ritual to help you move past a point where you're blocked. Write down the things that are immobilizing you: "What if I make the wrong decision?" "Can I trust that things will be better this time?" "Will I be happier by myself?" or whatever.
Put each worry on its own strip of paper. Take them outside, burn them one by one, and either ask for the answers, or ask that the worries be lifted from you. Take a few deep breaths, and go back inside. It won't exactly fix things, but it is reassuring to put them out into the universe to deal with rather than assuming all of the burden is yours alone to bear.
I know, it sounds a little fruity. But it's helped. I also do that sometimes when I have a fervent prayer. I think it would also work if you dropped the papers into a river or stream, but somehow I like the idea of my worries going up in smoke and out into the atmosphere.
Take care of yourself.
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