Turning Point....I think
I stayed up until midnight last night talking to John. Trying very hard to give him sufficient answers for the questions that he posed to me. I have told him time and time again that having serious conversations at night are my worse enemy. That is if I don't mind not getting any sleep. My brain just kicks in and goes into overdrive. But I am working really hard at letting my compassionate side out. He needs to see if and feel it, it has been a long time since that side of me has come out to play. Over and over again he kept bringing up the e-mails that I had sent him on various dates. Wanting to know what I was thinking and what I was feeling at those given moments. Honestly I have no clue. I offer to look through my e-mails, reflect and give him a answer tomorrow (today). He refuses. Don't think he really does want to know.
During that middle of the night (3am) I awoke to feel my hands swollen and itchy. When I say itchy I mean really bad. I rubbed OTC Cortisone on them in hopes it would help. Needless to say it did not, I had shitty sleep and woke up to some really fucked up hands. I have welts all over the front and backs of my hands. When I got to work this morning I talked to a nurse as to get some kind of freakin clue what the heck was up with me. Quiet simply, I am having an allergic reaction to "something". I have taken Benedryl, Claritin, and used some prescription Cortisone to help today.....it hasn't done a fucking thing. So I sit typing with some very swollen hands, actually I have discovered that my whole body is swollen and feels as if my skin is being stretched. Delaine told me that I had monster hands today because of the welts. NICE.
So I left work at noon today to meet with John and talk. Not the reconciliation type of talk, but instead the kind that would bring some type of calmness to a marriage of chaos. It was business at first, terms of parenting time, van, medical insurance etc.... Then we sat closer and talked about how important raising Jill is to the both of us. The discussion brought a sense of peace to me. I have told him over and over today that I think he knows deep down inside that this is the best thing for the both of us. He tries to agree, but in the end says something tells him otherwise. I just want this chapter to close in our lives. Who knows what the future holds. Saying that seems to bring some type of relief to my questioning if I am doing the right thing. Nothing is set in stone. I have been separated for almost 9 months. Change is a given in my life.
I end today with agreeing to a counseling session on Monday to find some type of closure on our DV situation which ultimately separated us. What could I lose in that? I will feel pain, but nothing worse then what have already experienced. I have to tell myself that to make this whole thing ok.
Cause bottom line I am feeling ok today. But lurking in the not to future is with imminent pain I KNOW I will feel. And that is ok. This too shall pass!
Cheers~
During that middle of the night (3am) I awoke to feel my hands swollen and itchy. When I say itchy I mean really bad. I rubbed OTC Cortisone on them in hopes it would help. Needless to say it did not, I had shitty sleep and woke up to some really fucked up hands. I have welts all over the front and backs of my hands. When I got to work this morning I talked to a nurse as to get some kind of freakin clue what the heck was up with me. Quiet simply, I am having an allergic reaction to "something". I have taken Benedryl, Claritin, and used some prescription Cortisone to help today.....it hasn't done a fucking thing. So I sit typing with some very swollen hands, actually I have discovered that my whole body is swollen and feels as if my skin is being stretched. Delaine told me that I had monster hands today because of the welts. NICE.
So I left work at noon today to meet with John and talk. Not the reconciliation type of talk, but instead the kind that would bring some type of calmness to a marriage of chaos. It was business at first, terms of parenting time, van, medical insurance etc.... Then we sat closer and talked about how important raising Jill is to the both of us. The discussion brought a sense of peace to me. I have told him over and over today that I think he knows deep down inside that this is the best thing for the both of us. He tries to agree, but in the end says something tells him otherwise. I just want this chapter to close in our lives. Who knows what the future holds. Saying that seems to bring some type of relief to my questioning if I am doing the right thing. Nothing is set in stone. I have been separated for almost 9 months. Change is a given in my life.
I end today with agreeing to a counseling session on Monday to find some type of closure on our DV situation which ultimately separated us. What could I lose in that? I will feel pain, but nothing worse then what have already experienced. I have to tell myself that to make this whole thing ok.
Cause bottom line I am feeling ok today. But lurking in the not to future is with imminent pain I KNOW I will feel. And that is ok. This too shall pass!
Cheers~
posted by Internet_chick at 8:47 PM
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