Crying...does me justice

I tried so hard to hold my tears back tonight. But I couldn't. The frustration of making a parenting plan, talking about child support, having a sinus headache and my emotions just tossed me over the edge. I swear to whatever god is that I think my head is on a launch pad and the timer to countdown has gone off. For if this posting just stops you will know that my head has now launched into the plaster ceiling above me. Or perhaps my eyes will shoot out of my head from the pressure I am feeling and attach themselves to this wonderful monitor that I am trying to use with my tear tarnished contacts in place. At this point who fucking knows. I say What the FUCK. I knew this emotion crap was going to come out, it just needed the right trigger. Tonight was the night. Seemingly calm even, dinner with my pseudo family, easy going "paperwork" of course saving the most difficult until last. Getting the kids ready for bed while juggling this is no easy task, but so very my life. I was sitting right here in this same stupid uncomfortable folding chair type away numbers into that wonderful State of Oregon Child Support Calculator when BOOM!!!!
The debate about monthly income started and I LOST it. Something about being told by your soon to be ex spouse that he is unemployed now (laid off) and is going to be making $150.00 per week due to the job that he held before he graduated with a Bachelors degree in Economics. NICE yeah really really nice. Then he proceeds to say that he could say his income would be $1256.00 per month based on that last working wage, or some shit like that. HELLO lost it! I just stood up and said "ok get your financial documents together and I will see you in court. I will not deal with you telling me that as a means to barter, you want to talk about your income and you are going to say that I make XX more then you." Ok Ok I cant relive this anymore. I went over board and was unable to get grounded for hmmm about 15 minutes, needless to say I pissed him off. End result I told him to write down what he wanted me to consider and that was the end of that.
Then I broke, broke down, trying to hold it back. I couldn't damnit. He left, I got Jilly to bed, and escaped to the computer in hopes that I could find a way to write it all down and get it all out. My life keeps playing and playing over and over again in my head. As to not allow me to ever live my choices down. Not to ever escape my past . Yet I know it has to be this way, I know that I have to be reminded of who I am and the experiences that molded me into this person. There are days when I want to scream out loud at the shit I have gone through, run away and pretend it isn't real. But then who the hell would I be? I have been given the great opportunity to live through some pretty traumatic experiences. Notice how I say great opportunity? Who would I have been if those horrible things wouldn't have happened to me? A cheerleader? The kind of chic that looked and acted like everyone else just because she yearned to fit in? No I already knew that I had no business fitting in with all those people that were in denial of who they were. I know that some of you understand what I am talking about. And if you don't, good for you, maybe life has been a piece of cake. But for me I am going to say, tomorrow is a new day, that is the truth. Every night I go to bed or at least try to, I know that when I get up I once again get to choose the path for yet another day. For some reason I find that comforting enough to go to bed, believing that this too shall pass.

~Cheers