Admission

Painfully so....Admitting that you aren't and haven't been in love with your mate for a few years is a hard thing to do. Well tonight it happened. I spent hours talking to John. I finally felt "safe" enough to express myself. But maybe it wasn't that I felt safe, it was more on a selfish level. I knew that I needed to get some things off my chest that would create relief and potentially closure. More and more these days I am finding myself expressing the way I feel in terms that the other person can grasp easier. The use of examples to illustrate who I am in relation to the experience. Tonight I focused on business. That was the only way I would be able to create a haven for me that would keep my demons (anxiety) at bay. For ONCE since I cannot remember........He sat and listened, to me, without a word, just looking me in the eye. And for that reason I opened up. During this conversation we discovered moments that changed our relationship and was a vehicle to the place in which we now both reside internally. What amazed me was him looking me right in the eye and saying "I haven't been in love with you for years". Hard to hear? NO, actually I was relieved because I could finally admit the same to him. For me that was progress.....

Have you ever wished that someone would say that they are sorry for something that they did to you? Then never heard those words? Tried really hard to accept the fact that you just need to process the situation the best way possible with kindness in your hear? Tonight I didn't hear I am sorry, I wasn't expecting it. What I heard was a straight forward confession from the offender. As I expressed how it feels to talk to him about serious to very minute issues. He looked at me and said I know what I do to you. So I took that and ran. I said "when I talk to you it is like talking to a wall. That is why I always say you never listen to me. I start to talk and I can see the thoughts going through your mind calculating what you are going to say to make it go your way, with the results you want. You are a wall, and when you do this I shut down, I ask you to stop and you don't listen. Do you realize that you verbally badger and abuse me? Cant you see why I have to walk away when you don't respect what I am saying? But you don't let me, the wall just keeps coming after me, until I have to lock myself into a room. Instead the wall is selfish and needs to do whatever possible to get it all out." Then he said "yes I have verbally abused you for a long time. I knew I was doing it and it was wrong. For that reason I am sitting here and just listening to what you have to say. I have worked really hard to get to a place where I don't have to attack. For those changes I have made allowed you to open up to me, something that you have not done with me for a very very long time." I cried at the realization that this person that I married had this conversation with me. I said "I know you didn't say you were sorry, and I never expected you to actually do it. But I feel so relieved that you admitted that you have been doing this to me."

At this point I am going to stop writing and start processing what happened here in my house tonight. For the record in case anyone is curious....We are still getting a divorce.

Cheers~