Admission

Painfully so....Admitting that you aren't and haven't been in love with your mate for a few years is a hard thing to do. Well tonight it happened. I spent hours talking to John. I finally felt "safe" enough to express myself. But maybe it wasn't that I felt safe, it was more on a selfish level. I knew that I needed to get some things off my chest that would create relief and potentially closure. More and more these days I am finding myself expressing the way I feel in terms that the other person can grasp easier. The use of examples to illustrate who I am in relation to the experience. Tonight I focused on business. That was the only way I would be able to create a haven for me that would keep my demons (anxiety) at bay. For ONCE since I cannot remember........He sat and listened, to me, without a word, just looking me in the eye. And for that reason I opened up. During this conversation we discovered moments that changed our relationship and was a vehicle to the place in which we now both reside internally. What amazed me was him looking me right in the eye and saying "I haven't been in love with you for years". Hard to hear? NO, actually I was relieved because I could finally admit the same to him. For me that was progress.....

Have you ever wished that someone would say that they are sorry for something that they did to you? Then never heard those words? Tried really hard to accept the fact that you just need to process the situation the best way possible with kindness in your hear? Tonight I didn't hear I am sorry, I wasn't expecting it. What I heard was a straight forward confession from the offender. As I expressed how it feels to talk to him about serious to very minute issues. He looked at me and said I know what I do to you. So I took that and ran. I said "when I talk to you it is like talking to a wall. That is why I always say you never listen to me. I start to talk and I can see the thoughts going through your mind calculating what you are going to say to make it go your way, with the results you want. You are a wall, and when you do this I shut down, I ask you to stop and you don't listen. Do you realize that you verbally badger and abuse me? Cant you see why I have to walk away when you don't respect what I am saying? But you don't let me, the wall just keeps coming after me, until I have to lock myself into a room. Instead the wall is selfish and needs to do whatever possible to get it all out." Then he said "yes I have verbally abused you for a long time. I knew I was doing it and it was wrong. For that reason I am sitting here and just listening to what you have to say. I have worked really hard to get to a place where I don't have to attack. For those changes I have made allowed you to open up to me, something that you have not done with me for a very very long time." I cried at the realization that this person that I married had this conversation with me. I said "I know you didn't say you were sorry, and I never expected you to actually do it. But I feel so relieved that you admitted that you have been doing this to me."

At this point I am going to stop writing and start processing what happened here in my house tonight. For the record in case anyone is curious....We are still getting a divorce.

Cheers~

In the KNOW

Today I am in the KNOW.
Although my week has at times felt like a mixed bag of emotions....I find myself returning to what I know. That I am ending a chapter in my life, and starting a new one. There are times, such as I have had this week that distract me from the reality of my marriage. John and I talked today about the failure of our relationship. That there just weren't enough of the good times to keep us together. One of the hardest things that we have both had to accept is that we are getting along very well right now. I am the person that he met nearly 10 years ago, the person that he loved so much. But I am in the KNOW. At times I have to stop talking to him and remind him that I know, return to my center of reality. It appears, again I say appears that he is in the know as well. If we can do this in agreement we will be better people, I can feel that.
The best thing about today is that I felt free to talk about myself and how I feel. That I "think" I have some feelings of sadness. Today some of them crept up and almost over took me. Strange to cry with your spouse over your loses when it is in direct correlation with him. As the day gets closer to him leaving the sadness and potential fear of loss overtakes me. In a sad way I have waited for this.

Turning Point....I think

I stayed up until midnight last night talking to John. Trying very hard to give him sufficient answers for the questions that he posed to me. I have told him time and time again that having serious conversations at night are my worse enemy. That is if I don't mind not getting any sleep. My brain just kicks in and goes into overdrive. But I am working really hard at letting my compassionate side out. He needs to see if and feel it, it has been a long time since that side of me has come out to play. Over and over again he kept bringing up the e-mails that I had sent him on various dates. Wanting to know what I was thinking and what I was feeling at those given moments. Honestly I have no clue. I offer to look through my e-mails, reflect and give him a answer tomorrow (today). He refuses. Don't think he really does want to know.
During that middle of the night (3am) I awoke to feel my hands swollen and itchy. When I say itchy I mean really bad. I rubbed OTC Cortisone on them in hopes it would help. Needless to say it did not, I had shitty sleep and woke up to some really fucked up hands. I have welts all over the front and backs of my hands. When I got to work this morning I talked to a nurse as to get some kind of freakin clue what the heck was up with me. Quiet simply, I am having an allergic reaction to "something". I have taken Benedryl, Claritin, and used some prescription Cortisone to help today.....it hasn't done a fucking thing. So I sit typing with some very swollen hands, actually I have discovered that my whole body is swollen and feels as if my skin is being stretched. Delaine told me that I had monster hands today because of the welts. NICE.

So I left work at noon today to meet with John and talk. Not the reconciliation type of talk, but instead the kind that would bring some type of calmness to a marriage of chaos. It was business at first, terms of parenting time, van, medical insurance etc.... Then we sat closer and talked about how important raising Jill is to the both of us. The discussion brought a sense of peace to me. I have told him over and over today that I think he knows deep down inside that this is the best thing for the both of us. He tries to agree, but in the end says something tells him otherwise. I just want this chapter to close in our lives. Who knows what the future holds. Saying that seems to bring some type of relief to my questioning if I am doing the right thing. Nothing is set in stone. I have been separated for almost 9 months. Change is a given in my life.

I end today with agreeing to a counseling session on Monday to find some type of closure on our DV situation which ultimately separated us. What could I lose in that? I will feel pain, but nothing worse then what have already experienced. I have to tell myself that to make this whole thing ok.
Cause bottom line I am feeling ok today. But lurking in the not to future is with imminent pain I KNOW I will feel. And that is ok. This too shall pass!

Cheers~

On a day like today

On a sunny day like today.
I took the afternoon off.
I lay in the grass at Mt Pisqah.
The sun freckling my skin.
I was there for a purpose.
To reflect and return to center of my life.
As I lay there I noticed a spider carefully spinning a web, that is when I really started to realize just how complicated my life had become.
How it was so unrealistic to expect I was going to figure this all out in a afternoon.
But that is what I had set out to do.
So I wrote, listed everything in black and white, for I ususally see in grey.
Unresolved.............................

Breaking point

Where is my breaking point? I think I felt some of it yesterday, but tucked it neatly away as to face another day of responsibility. I know me and I know me well. There is a fine line between feeling the emotions and feeling overwhelmed by the emotions. Tomorrow and a few other days this week I am going to take the afternoons off as to regroup myself. Take inventory of where I am in life and what I want. Look at where the road may lead me on this journey called life. I am just so confused right now. I need a good cry, feel the loss of my choices and the fear uncertainty brings me. Like I explained to John tonight, I am numb and calm to what chaos the topic of divorce should bring out in me. I am safe right now. However I KNOW that the minute he gets on the plane to go back to Florida I will come unglued, saddened, and possibly remorseful. That is and has been my safety mechanism in this marriage for a long time. That type of emotionally control doesn't suit my life any longer. I need to be real so he can deal with me and how I am feeling inside. He actually asked me how my practice was tonight, and listened as well. Pretty major for him. I was scared to answer because of the usual conflict that such a conversation brought up in the past. Instead I readjusted my behavior and told it like it was. It was great. Felt wonderful to be outside, I hit and fielded well. No negative comments....WHAT THE FUCK??? So I am accepting it as it is, just that, not a big deal. Anyways....I am extremely tired from the lack of sleep and the energy it takes to keep my many thoughts in order. I was up writing late last night, listening to music, hoping I would let something out. If I wrote down everything on this page that goes through my head at night the average person would be dumbfounded. And well it would be embarrassing as well.

Adia I do believe I failed you. Adia I know I let you down.Don't you know I tried so hard.To love you in my way.It's easy let it go...Adia I'm empty since you left me.Trying to find a way to carry on.I search myself and everyone.To see where we went wrongcause there's no one left to finger.There's no one here to blame.There's no one left to talk to, honey.And there ain't no one to buy our innocence cause we are born innocent.Believe me adia, we are still innocent.It's easy, we all falter.Does it matter? Adia I thought that we could make it.But I know I can't change the way you feel.I leave you with your misery.A friend who won't betray.I pull you from your tower.I take away your pain.And show you all the beauty you possess.If you'd only let yourself believe that.We are born innocent.Believe me adia, we are still innocent.It's easy, we all falter, does it matter? Believe me adia, we are still innocent cause we are born innocent.Adia we are still innocent.It's easy, we all falter ... but does it matter?

A day of CONFUSION

So last night I was up until 1:00 am which is odd for me. I spent a few hours randomly chatting with a friend on line. During that time I did a little drawing, half assed unfortunately. I feel somewhat lost again. Uncertain of my path, which direction I am pointed. Sadly enough I tried to talk Jeremy into making me cry last night. I feel so fucking numb so I thought maybe he could hurt me with some of his personal insight into me, for what that is worth. He said that the didn't think he could upset me any further then he already had. I know where I stand with him, that is a certainty in my life. Ok I am off track..... Jeremy said that he wanted to hit the sack, meaning he was done with me, oh fuckin well. We all need our downtime. I retreated to my space and listened to music and wrote in my journal until sleep stole the rest of the night away from me. Really wish it was that simple for me. I think so much that I cant turn off at night. There are times when I have to take something to force myself to rest, last night was one of them.
I woke up at 10:30 this morning. I cant remember when the last time I slept in so late. It was wonderful. I showered, drank my joe, read the paper and moved on to the CONFUSION.

Today was the day that I had prearranged "divorce" talk with John. We had no where to go since neither of us have a home any longer. So we went to the U of O campus and sat on a bench and talked business. I can handle business, I treat it just like that, business. Unemotional get the job done. But wait this is my life, how can I do that? We spent a few hours on that bench, going over and over the issues at hand. Then it became so overwhelming to me. He said "Julie I will be gone for 8 to 10 months out of the year. We can make this work, you can have your space, you can be yourself. I will buy us a house, I will make the mortgage payments and take care of my family. I told you things would be different when I was done with school. Please just consider it." God I am so scared of this proposition. He seems so confused by some of the e-mails I had sent him in the past, by the person that I was sitting before him. I said "this is who I am, I write to express myself, I write to get it all out, I draw because I have to, because I need to. This is the person that I have always been, not the person that felt like a marionette being directed day in and day out. I cannot stand that person." I could see in his eyes that he longed to know me again and would do anything with his words to keep me near. But I am afraid, and I say "John actions speak louder then words". He knows that, but does he really know it? I want to keep myself safe emotionally, however I have built the wall up that wont allow me to fully process and cry. Let it out. Make my decision. It wasn't until we went to a restaurant on campus to eat when I realized that I could say just order something for me, and knew I would get something good. That I will give him credit for. The man changed his eating habits and would make me anything vegetarian. Today he ordered me a wonderful tofu buritto. Sounds funny huh? Talking about food, but those are the good things that I remember that he did for me. So after I was done eating and debating income, parenting time and the "Van" a song came on in the cafe. Think it was Billy Joel "Piano Man". Ok lost it, tried really hard to keep the tears in but I just couldn't. Yet I didn't want to look weak and vulnerable at that time. But I cried and let him wipe my tears and hold me. I knew that is all that he had wanted to do anyways, and tell me it was going to be ok. The type of things that I had struggled so long to not let him do. Today I let him comfort me briefly and said I am done for today. At that moment I snapped. I felt myself getting too close to the "RIVER". I went into instant mid level anxiety, free floating, eyes wide open as if they were being propped in that position. I got in my van, drove to my house, dropped him off at this car, and said good bye. Went to get the kids while in utter CONFUSION, returned home and have "pretended" that everything is ok. But I know it isn't. I know I will once again retreat to my journal tonight, music playing and get in touch with what I want and need out of my life. This week I will take a mental health day and get back on path. On path within myself.

Cheers~

Breaking Hearts....

I feel so disconnected...but I know it is a part of coping with this situation. Jeremy is right, I am fragile right now. Although I would never openly admit that, because I have always been such a strong person. However strength can be a front, I know that. I guess that is why I put myself in situations where I get shit on sometimes. It forces me to realize just how fragile I am. It also teaches me lessons about myself. Sound fucked up? Might be. Do I know a lot more about myself today then I did 8 months ago? Yes. There have been many teachers presented to me in those months. Some in which brought sorrow and some in which brought strength. In the end the sorrow, however painful at the time, created growth. For that I am grateful. Without interactions with other people I would not be who I AM today. I AM a product of my life. That I accept whole heartedly.
So today, was hard for me. That is why I am feeling disconnected. Guilt also plays a part in this. Guilt that plagues me constantly. From what? From having to tell John that I feel like it is too late for counseling, the end result is still imminent, divorce. That when I asked him over and over again to go to therapy together he said no. Now he is saying yes, and I am saying no. What should I really make of all of this? A sign? Should I discount the rollercoaster ride this relationship has created in my life to keep my family together? I just cannot and will not lose myself again. Become someone I do not know, nor have any desire to be.
As I watched this man cry today and feel really bad that he passed up the chance to make a marriage with me work, I felt bad......disconnected....building my wall. Wondering if I should let him back into my world. Then I ask myself why it had to get to filing for divorce to make him come home, to make him realize the pains and struggles I have endured over the last 9 months. Yes it has been nine months.
So what do I do? Please someone tell me.....

Beginning of the END?!?!?

Ok so now that I am writing this for a second damn time......
So today, starts out as usual...Morning call from Liisa.
It is when I hung up that my day totally changed. The phone rang or shall I say the coo koo ringer went off. It was John. Up nice and early ready to talk about "US". Man please dont start my morning off like this, the Lexapro hasnt even had time to kick in yet. But I can be (note the words CAN BE) compassionate and very understanding. So I listened to his feelings and thoughts. It was hard to hear him cry. I know that all of this is neccessary to get to where we need to be. I just wasnt prepared to hear him say that he is willing to do whatever it takes as an alternative to divorce. WOW. He asked and asked that I go to counseling with him. Funny how I was just reading a e-mail from him that was from December and January that clearly states there will be no counseling. At that point I had to say to him "no counseling=over". So then he get's to play victim. WONDERFUL.
Ok......I had so many calls from him today. So many e-mails. I totally understand what he is saying and where he is coming from. But what do I feel? I feel like I am very independant again. And as Liisa would say I am the person that I used to be when he and I met. He is attracted to that, but once he has it, he breaks it down. Today I had all the charm and manipulation used on me. Buy a house, get a new car.....how he would be gone at least 6 months out of the year. Appealing?
But all the chaos and fear. He said everything right today. My fairytale self wants to buy in, but I think it is too late.....................

Cheers~

Daily thought.....

So I have been posting a daily thought each day at work on a dry erase board. I sit in a place where I can see the board very easily. Really I put the quote up there so that I can read it frequently and reflect upon it. But what I have discovered is that it seems to be discussed amongst the employee's in other departments. It appears that people are more and more looking forward to my daily quote. Some days I am busy and it takes me a few hours in the morning to actually get in on the board. I really do put thought and time searching for just the right reflection for the day. At this point people are now coming up to me and telling me that they have a good quote for me to use. Tomorrow I will post one of them. When I read it today I realized that I need to read it over and over again, so it is perfect for the board.
Follow up
Sunday I have a prearranged date to meet with John and talk parenting time. Although I know that he does care about Jilly, I can tell that he is very concerned about the child support. I hate feeling compassionate sometimes.....this would be one of them. I mean I do care but look what happened last time I cared so freakin much....So now I am going to request a written description of what he is wanting ahead of time as to not become manipulated. It is funny to think that my "special" friend Jeremy once told me that I was manipulative. I think about how much in the last 5 years of my life I have been manipulated. To some extent we all manipulate for our own good, or for survival. Being me....I of course reflected on that comment. How could I not? Growth is so important to me. Being the best I can be is very important to me. Actually being independent is very important to me. Emotionally secure and free.

I think I better go now before I get all freakin emotional and create a sleepless night. Tomorrow is however Friday and payday!

Cheers~

Head Over Feet

Alanis Morissette
Head Over Feet

I had no choice but to hear you. You stated your case time and again. I thought about it.
You treat me like I'm a princess. I'm not used to liking that. You ask how my day was.
(chorus)
You've already won me over in spite of me. Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet. Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are. I couldn't help it. It's all your fault Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole. You're so much braver than I gave you credit for. That's not lip service.
(repeat chorus)
You are the bearer of unconditional things. You held your breath and the door for me. Thanks for your patience. You're the best listener that I've ever met. You're my best friend. Best friend with benefits. What took me so long. I've never felt this healthy before. I've never wanted something rational. I am aware now. I am aware now.
(repeat chorus)

What the FUCK?!?!?!?!

Ok my whole fucking world tipped upside down around 3:35 today. I know the exact time because I looked. Fuck. So I found out today that my husband~John is in town. Um hello what the fuck? So of course I can only possibly have negative thoughts about this. Like let's see....getting a lawyer, counter filing on the divorce....Not good. I guess I just didnt think that he would get the papers and leave his job in Florida and fly home. But that is exactly what he did. So needless to say I spent about one hour this afternoon so fucking sick to my stomach that I couldnt think straight. Being the person that I am, I said "screw it" and called him. You know I am in charge of my life and the path that it goes down. I decided that I wasnt going to wait for him to notify me that he was in town. Think I really suprised him. Oh well. We agreed that it would be in Jillian's best interest to see him since it has been 5 1/2 months. We met at a park down the street from my house. All three of our kids were there, and of course us. It was awkward at first but we embraced and moved forward. This whole thing is so fucked up. I saw the sadness in his eyes and could tell that he was lost without us, his family. Inside I knew that we are no family, we are chaos. The choas may not be present at that moment, but I KNOW it exists and will surface. The kids played and John catered to his princess Jillian. I watched in silence and took pictures. He kept coming back to me with those confused eyes, and I understood. FUCK this sucks. Ok enough of the play by play it went on for hours. Cant tell if I feel better or worse.
I guess he left his job to come back and deal with the divorce. It is my understanding that he may not have a job to return to. FUCK. But I guess I understand why he came back in such a hurry. I just pray to the shit gods that he didnt retain a lawyer and that we are doing this the most civil low cost way possible.
Summary- we are going to mediation to settle custody. What is there to settle? He works in Florida??? Is he not happy with every other weekend? What else was I suppose to propose at this point? Jeez she is 2 1/2 years old. So I guess I am gonna get served with response papers here soon. How freakin exciting.

As for me, the real me. I am going to focus really really hard on internal peace and security. Those are the two things that I have total control over, no one else can fuck with them.

Night I really need the rest, if my damn brain will allow it!


Cheers~

Ocean of beauty and strength 

Withering away.....

well not exactly. But I a have officially lost 44 pounds since last summer. I remember the first 5 pounds and how hard it was to fathom losing more. I had never weighed as much in my entire life. Looking back I can honestly tell that my marriage was contributing to my health~body and soul. Although I was with a man that admired my every curve no matter what size I was, I couldn't stand it. However my weight was a product of a very unhappy life. I have always had an athletic build and struggled to be the "right' weight. Not the right size, but weight. It would never matter that I was 5'7 and a average size, I always focused on the weight. So now in refocusing I not only acknowledge that I have lost 44 pounds, but that I have shed 8 inches from each of the following areas- waist, hips and chest. WOW. I am really starting to feel comfortable in my skin again. This is just so freeing I cannot explain it. The most Amazing part is that I really enjoy exercising everyday. I take advantage of the gym at work, since in my life there is NO other time. There are NO excuses for not exercising.
But on the down side......went to the doctor today because I hurt my hip about a month ago. Something to do with repetitious skateboard riding (hehehe). To sum it up, ice packs twice a day, ibuprofen, stretches twice daily and no riding until it heals. Nice. Since I really want to play ball this season I am going to put the board on the back burner and recover. Running the bases in the sun is so worth it. Love the sun.

Well I am gonna jam and see if I cant figure out how to load a pic on here.

Divorce papers.....

Ok really brief, the papers were received. Took only two days to get to Florida from Oregon. Amazing how the US mail can be so inconsistent. Anyways, I was just getting out of bed on Saturday when my phone rang. It was him, so being the person that I am chose not to answer. He left a voice mail that of course we all listened to on Speakerphone. Not looking as if I had made him too happy. But being the person I am again, didnt call him tonight like I said that I would. I am so sick of pointless go nowhere conversations that often create the sense of being trapped again. Feels so awful, and I so do not want to be in that space. However when I didnt answer the cell phone he called my house in which he learned I was gone for the weekend. So it is really good that I didnt call him tonight. He is an extremely jealous person. I am sure that I will hear from him in the next few days....



Cheers!!!

All about bonding....

So this weekend (which officially starts at noon tomorrow) will be my first outing without kids since last summer. A weekend at Lincoln city, oceanfront room and some of my girlfriends that know me best. I am really grateful that I have parents that help me out during times like this. Anyways....we are going to spend lots of time on the beach, ran or shine. Well I am so fucking tired right now because I have been sleeping so bad. Funny I can be so burnt out and still lie awake in bed. NOT a good problem to have. Still have to pack and prepare stuff for the kids......


Cheers!

In the Mail

I finally got it done today. Divorce papers in the mail...certified. Had to have a friend do it, I mean legally I had to have someone else do it. The last couple of days have been really trying around this issue. There has been phone calls, conflict and sorrow. Felt like I was getting dragged back into the same crap. I dont like that, I wanna move forward. So I remembered this song, it always reminds me of the reality of my situation is.....................

"Time"

Time here,all but means nothing, just shadows that move across the wall.They keep me company, but they don't ask of me they don't say nothing at all. And I need just a little more silence And I need just a little more time. But you send your thieves to me silently stalking me. Dragging me into your war. Would you give me no choice in this? I know you can't resist, trying reopen a sore. Leave me be, I don't want to argue I'd just get confused and I'd come all undone. If I agree, well, it's just to appease you. Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for. You see love-- a tight, thorny thread that you spin in a circle of gold.You have me to hold me a token for all to see captured to be yours alone. And I need just a little more silence,and I just need a little more time. The courage to pull away there will be hell to pay the deeper you cut to the bone Leave me be, I don't want to argue I'd just get confused and I'd come all undone. If I agree, well, it's just to appease you. Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for. Time here,all but means nothing,just shadows that move across the wall. They keep me company,but they don't ask of me they don't say nothing at all.Leave me be, I don't want to argue I'd just get confused and I'd come all undone. If I agree, well, it's just to appease you. Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for

Watch

"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."~ Frank Outlaw ~

Change is coming

Today my life felt good. Now it is feeling at odds. Early I felt grounded. Now I would say it feels like being hit with a baseball bat in the face. NOT a good feeling. All the dynamics of my marriage just played out over a three hour conversation. The utopia of the lighthearted conversation......then everything gets serious....too serious....then I have to come terms with the fact that I actually filed for divorce. That I KNOW it is right, but that there is some unresolved feelings that I have. I just want to scream right now in PAIN. I KNOW I am doing the right thing. Two very different people, with very different views and interpretations. I don't like feeling hurt again. I don't like being told by my husband that I caused him to physically hurt me. I don't like it, almost feels like I am being re-victimized by the event all over again. No matter what I say and what boundaries I put fourth he tries to get around them, just so that he can say what he thinks. Everyone deserves to be heard and understood. I really believe that. I also think that he does deserve to hear how I feel. He asks me and I should tell him. But I don't. You know why? Because he always has to argue with my view, my feelings, they are never right. When the pushing of issues verbally got too much for me I would KINDLY say it was time to stop. That meant NOTHING to this man. I would have to remove myself from the situation physically and lock myself in a room to get away....to feel the boundaries. Things were awful. But I loved him. And love crept way from me slowly, to keep me safe. Until I so numb that I could make the leap to leave and move forward. Nights like tonight bring the pain back to the for front of my life. It is hard and I will need to get a good cry from all of this. What I do know is that I will make progress from this pain. I will live, I will learn and I will grow to be a better person.

I was a distant muthafucka tonight, DAMN me.
Tomorrow I will get those DIVORCE papers to the post office and to the sunny state of FLORIDA!


Fuckin Cheers!!

Just explain why

Why is this so fucking hard for me? I try so hard to get it, but my damn head takes off in another direction. I mean shit for two days I felt like I was heading in a good direction. The pain of yet another divorce right at the for front of my mind. But I was coping, dealing with my life. Now I feel neurotic, NOT a good feeling to have. I repeat NOT a good feeling to have. So I find myself pacing, not able to eat, mind racing, writing and getting lost in my artwork. But unresolved. I KNOW I have to find the resolution within. Logically I understand because I am very intelligent. However emotionally I feel blindfolded with no sense of direction. What an awful fucking feeling. Obsessing. Yeah I know what you are thinking Liisa.....WHY Julie, WHY? What is there to obsess about? Why are you getting all worked up? You know who you are and what you want. You don't need this and you don't want this. But I feel unresolved, no closure. I am trying so hard to refocus my energy, I spent all day with my kids, watching them, playing with them. It was wonderful, I felt like that was what my life was all about. Then I retreat and I cant turn my fucking head off! Why cant I be fucking stupid?


Cheers my fucking ass

Seek

Seek only those who want to be sought

Nurture and tend to those relationships in which are healthy

If you have to question if it is healthy..... then it probably isnt

Back off, embrace the space, embrace your sense of self respect

Seek only those who want to be sought

Waste no energy in those who play games, for those are not in your

best interest. Heed your senses and what they are telling you

Do not be blind

The River

The cold breeze eased it's way through my hair as I sat silently. Suddenly realizing just how much control over my life I have. My breath in sync with the repetitious thoughts playing in my mind. I feel the peace, well at least I think I do, I say to myself. At that moment the sounds of the kids playing soccer suddenly became mute, as if I had just been zoomed in on during a homemade movie making session. There I was secluded away in my own little world of tranquility. Knowing the changes lying ahead of me could scoop me away from this peaceful mindset. And so I thought.....

The river swept her from her unstable feet. Drug her down 30 feet before she realized that she couldn't breath or see anything. That's when she gasped for air, came up fighting with all of the energy she had left. At this point she needs to move very carefully and slowly, survival depends on her. She controls this outcome. No one knows she has been swept away. She went to the river alone that day, actually she spends a lot of time at the river. Know one realizes that she is gone. Over the years she has learned many ways to sneak off unnoticed.
She is fighting to stay afloat, the water is so cold that her body has become numb. Up ahead she can see the water calming if she can just hold her head up, tread a little longer. Has she the will to do so? God she has fallen in the same river her whole life but it doesn't seem to stop her from inching closer towards it. She has found some type of comfort and solace with this continuous struggle that is hers, all hers. As she has grown older she tries so hard to stay further back, only dipping her toes in the powerful river that she so desperately has been addicted to. It has given her reason and comfort, until recently.

This would be the last time she would be wet and freezing cold from the river. She just didnt have the energy anymore for that kind of fight. There would be no more getting lost in the her thoughts, getting lost in the words, getting lost in all the pain. She knew who she was and what she was all about. And the river no longer suited her.

Cheers!

Another day in the life....

So I get up early today for a soccer game. Get the kids ready....stop for a triple...do the pep talk thing to the 8 year old. You know...Encouragement with a little bribery. Anyways... I haul the kids an myself across town, and guess what, no game. Yeah that's right no game. So I check my schedule and yep there was supposed to be a game, but no game. NICE. This is life, so I move on.... Stop by a friends house, talk life talk, which of course is always very interesting. Decide to take her daughter home with me for a while so the kids can play. Finally get home....parents go out for a while, get the little one to bed. Now seems the best time for me to hit the pavement on my board. Hopefully not really hit it like I did yesterday. Jeez my fucking hands hurt today. But the shoes are killer, good upgrade. Ok Ok I am gonna go and burn off some of this energy that is eating my psyche.

Cheers!