Dying for a cause

He has been in this business for a long time. I would suspect him to be in his early seventies, but I don’t ask. We follow him back to the preparation room where our deceased person lies waiting for us. The hall is like a maze, every door is shut which gages my curiosity. Don looks at me and asks “are you ready to do this”? I say, “Yes, of course I am ready”. The older man notices that I am with child and offers me a balm for under my nose, he says it will ease the odor for me. I appreciate his offer and concern, but I know that I will need to get used to it, so I refuse. Door opens, my baby moves inside of me, I know that there is life within me, but not in this room. Don immediately goes to the body with a purpose, he sees me surveying the room. I move to the preparation table, it’s draped with a stiff white sheet. He pulls the sheet back exposing the man to his groin; he is rigid and blue in color. His hair is long, blonde and greasy, I can’t tell if it is from death or his life. Don tells me that he overdosed on Heroin and the state isn’t going to release his body until we ID him via fingerprints. That is why we are here today. He shows me a contraption that he has made to fingerprint people that have already been embalmed. The older man interjects saying “Sorry I already embalmed him, his family is waiting to get his body back to Alabama.” Don nods in acknowledgement. It just makes it harder he says to get the finger straightened enough to get a good print; I hear the sound of joints cracking. My body turns quickly to see Don struggling to get the thumb straight, after all the thumb is the best finger to print. This process is necessary or the State of Oregon won’t release his body to the family. Evidently he is a suspect in many unsolved crime in Eugene. I fixated my eyes on his chest, stapled in a “Y” shape from his autopsy, it appears sore, but I know he is dead and cannot feel. Inside I start to chuckle, remembering Don telling me how the Medical Examiner throws all the organs including the brain back into the stomach cavity before stapling the body up. I look to his head again, the crown attached, no brain in his belly I think to myself. Don has moved to the other hand and asks me if I want to give it a crack. Reluctantly I say no. The old man is telling me about the entire process of getting his customer ready. Still at his age I can feel his excitement when he talks. He points out the many tattoos on the man, none of which are done professionally. Don interjects, prison tattoos. I recognize in disgust, the Grateful Dead tattoo, that dances on his upper arm. The sight of it tells me a story about this man, none of which I want to be a part of.

Suddenly I notice someone else in the room and I start to wander closer to the mysterious shape. The old man can see me looking, he offers to tell me about her and how she ended up on that cold metal table. We move closer, she is in a clear body bag; the table that she lies on is tipped at a 25-degree angle. She is draining into the large sink at the end of the table. Her life is gone, and by the looks of it half her body is gone as well. I notice her legs mostly flesh and appear to be too short to hold her stalky body. He explains that she died at age 36 in California, and this is what you body looks like when you opt to donate organs and tissue. You see they take whatever they can use, bone, corneas, skin, he continues on. Tomorrow we will cremate her, for she is in no shape for a standard funeral. I think to myself as my baby moves and kicks inside of me, if the general public saw what this woman looked like there would be no organs to donate. Americans have a strange attachment to the physical being and storing their loved ones in the ground to visit and mourn. What is the purpose really? Look at the man on the other side of the room. He destroyed his body with drugs, yet his family is having him embalmed like he is a king so they can put him in the ground and mourn over the “wonderful person” they want to believe he is. Go figure.

~1996

Head over feet

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it
You treat me like I’m a princess
I’m not used to liking that
You ask how my day was(chorus)
You’ve already won me over in spite of me
Don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don’t be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn’t help it
It’s all your fault
Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You’re so much braver than I gave you credit for
That’s not lip service(repeat chorus)
You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience
You’re the best listener that I’ve ever met
You’re my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long
I’ve never felt this healthy before
I’ve never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

~Alanis Morissette

Crybaby

Crybaby, son of a bitch, no talent mother fucker, bastard as dick head...........

The phrase that goes through my head instead of screaming and scaring the shit out of everyone. Think it's from The Melvins song written about Morrisey.


~Fucking Cheers, Julie

Life gets juicy today

My guard is dropping so I am feeling free to express myself.

Today I let John have it, in a controlled manner of course. I explain how horrible he has been to Delaine. Not only explain but give examples that cannot be denied. He should feel awful for the way that he treated her and the fact that she still calls him dad. What a fucked up sense of love I say. It is all up to me to pave a better road for my child. A path that will be free of adult bullshit, and full of childhood innocence, this is my duty as a parent. A duty that his parents chose not to take on, and the State of Oregon did no better. That is what makes me furious about this entire ordeal, that an adult can be so selfish as to treat a child like crap. The cycle continues, I want it to stop now. As the discussion furthers, I point out that if for no other reason alone, we will not be together because of the his mistreatment of my daughter. You see she means that much to me, I will sacrifice. John felt like crap, and he should feel like crap for a long time as far as I am concerned.

Conversation part two-

Admission that I slept with someone else in February. He had been teetering on asking me for quite some time, I could tell. Today was the day, he asked, I told. I asked if he knew I had done it by the way I was acting. He said that his friends had told him about "the signs". So of course that was a good excuse for him to screw two chicks himself. One of which was calling him and in love with him up until he came back the first time in April. What makes me sick is that I didn't cry or get angry. Does that mean something?

Anyways..............

Dark serenity
Faery_dust

Carved away through the years
Faery_dust

Peaceful living...
Faery_dust

Survival
Faery_dust

Decision number two

I had two major issues looming over me recently. This morning I was able to acknowledge the direction of one of them. Actually I was already in the right direction, just feeling doubts. More or less trying to avoid the pain which is inevitable. At this point in the game I have felt a lot of pain around my marriage, so what's a little more? I mean a little more when moving the right direction. In two weeks I will be divorced for the better of all people involved.

After I drank my coffee, read the paper and showered (the revelation moment) I remembered the list of issues from yesterdays trip. I make lists to so the issues are more real. Keeping these things cooped up my head is dangerous. For now the list exists and I have no reason to not resolve them. Without even looking at this mighty list, I just started working. I drug every item out of my room, searching for a place that would bring me peace when I needed it. By deciding to undertake this huge task, I was making a choice. To box up my belongings and prepare to move or to clear out the shit and stay. For once in my life, my dad has made a plan for me, expressed it and waited patiently for me to respond. My initial feeling is that I am 34 and need my space. But after the post that I made earlier today, I realized it is time for me to put my kids future first. I am not going to list word for word what the offer is that was proposed to me on Tuesday, but it did make me think. For now this is my home, when I am done here, I will have my own home that I have bought by myself. Independence at it's finest!

Killing me softly

It happened today, while I was taking a long hot shower. Must have been the smell of new body wash gliding over my skin that made me think, what do I want? This question has plagued me for about a month, always fruitless. Today was different. I stood there realizing that I was alone, really alone. The house was quiet, and I was taking a uniterrupted shower, although I had still locked the doors in habit.

My mind drifted back to 1998, Delaine's first meeting with John, at Skinner's Butte park. The sun was shining and we had decided that a play date at the park would be the ideal meeting. She was 18 months old and was adjusting to her new life with the separation. She smiled at John and tried to say his name. From that day forward he was known as "Yahn", she couldn't say her J's. He swung her, as she repeated "up as high as the sky yawn". Graciously he did, my heart melted. There would be several meetings at that same park between the three of us. Her happiness made me feel less saddened by the situation with her own dad and his addiction to Meth. As the bond between them grew, over a year period of time, things between him and I started to change. I felt invested, more so for her. But that all seems to contradict it's self when I really look back at each situation. Although I saw him be a great father to his own toddler at the time, now I can see that his closeness to Delaine was a manipulation to keep me where he wanted me.

We moved in together May 2000, after doubts and hopes in my mind. I had already struggled with his jealousy issues, but still felt strong willed and aware of who I was. The Brady Bunch life was hard. Delaine was three, and she had yet to be totally potty trained. He started pushing me to figure out what her problem was because his daughter had been trained by then. This happened with every type of developmental issue a child would have. My confidence in parenting at times was strained, the relationship between her and I became stressful. The tension to make her right was so hard, I was all that she had, I was her mother and her father, I loved her. No matter what I said to him, he would not let up, yet I felt so invested that I stayed.

August 2000 we moved to a larger house, closer to what would be Delaines grade school. She was constantly having accidents in her pants during the day and night. I would automatically get up and strip her bed down without saying anything to John, wasn't worth the shit I would get. His daughter cried off and on all night when she was at our house, there wasn't anything wrong with that. I got sick of fighting all the time, trying to express myself, he was like talking to a wall. This clearly wasn't the man that I had become friends with years ago. What had happened to the man that listened to my every thought and was unjudgemental? Now I believe he wasn't ever there, it was me and what I chose to see.

As the years went by living in that house on Oak Dr, I got married to him and had a baby. I was the one that wanted to have a baby, he wanted to wait until he was done with college. Seems sensible, but felt controlling. I carried that baby, I had complications with my pregnancy, and I was all alone. June 2002 just months after we married in Kauai, I was on bed rest so my baby could remain in the womb full term. School was out for John and his daughter, summer had begun, I dreaded the summer months. Suddenly I was living on the hide-a-bed in the living room unable to do anything for myself, at least I wasn't supposed to get up except to go the bathroom. My mom being the caring person that she is, stepped up and came over daily to take care of me. That lasted about a week, when her , my dad and step mom had a talk about what was going on at my house. They all cared deeply for me, but wanted my husband to play out his role in our marriage. You see it was summer, and I was suddenly left alone, on bedrest and tending to two kids. Afterall it was his summer break from college and fishing season. He would literally leave early in the morning to go fishing at the coast and come home early evening. My life had become so stressful, trying to make it the last two months of my pregnancy, taking care of a 5 and 7 year old and dealing with my family and their feelings. We fought a lot about those summer months, still to this day he doesn't understand why I was such a bitch about it.

This was the beginning of the end. Delaine was jealous of all the time I was spending with the baby after I had her. She had little comforting with John, mostly just leave your mom alone. The kid was lost and lonely. That is when I really started to notice the change in my daughter. She could see that the baby had a mom and a dad, her step sister had a mom and a dad, but she only had me. Now she didn't even have that. I could see it, and tried to stretch myself as thin as possible to compensate, he would always get mad at me. I baby her, I am too easy on her, it was more complicated then that, he never understood.

As things got harder and harder in the marriage he started acting out towards Delaine when he was mad at me. It was awful and painful, which is what he wanted, to see me in pain. I had lost all zest to fight any longer, nothing I could or would say mattered. But he couldn't live without the fight, he would follow me around the house trying to make me talk to him. That is where I learned how to avoid and be evasive, it was a matter of survival. I gave my life up, I was vacant and dying inside. But I couldn't leave, I had tried before, but couldn't muster up the courage to do it.

Then it happened in July 2004. In front of my two kids, I lay in a tub of water from being pushed my John. I can hear Delaine screaming "leave my mom alone". John yelling at me to shut the fuck up. It was over at that point. I was in a place never in mylife I had imagined. Delaine tried to get in the tub with me, as if to protect me, she was crying so hard and saying " I want Grandma, I want Grandma". I took the girls to my mom's that night, not exactly sure how I managed to drive there, but I was safe. I spent the next day in hiding avoiding John's phone calls. My mom called my dad to tell him of the previous nights events. He seemed less then supportive, as if she should stay out of my business. I ended up going home the next day, ready to fight back for my life. Delaine, Jillian and I locked ourselves in my bedroom that night and slept. She was so scared he was going to hurt me. Sunday morning I told him to pack his shit up and move out, he refused and begged for us to work it out. Sunday turned into two weeks, which melted into horrific fights and being woken in the middle of the night and being told to leave. That is what I did, I took my kids and moved out. I rented a U-haul and without his help moved my life for the better. There was pleading to stay, sweet kind words of love and anger after he realized that I was really going.

I have been at my Dad's house since then, being a full time mother and protector. Delaine used to tell me she missed Dad (John), that she worried about him. As the days turned into months she still calls him dad, but sees him very little. She is always quick to tell me that she doesn't ever want to live with him again. Sometimes you have to look at life through the eyes of a 8 year old, it's raw and unwarped. Something that adults no longer have a grasp on, and will never have again. These days she tells me that she is going to pick my next husband. I ask myself, who is this kid, and how old is she? My response is that I have no intentions of being married again. She replies that she has an idea about a list that needs to be made. The list would have guys who wouldn't hurt me or her and that I would have to pick from that list, and we wouldn't be hurt again. God I love this child and the innocence she is still clinging onto. I agree, we would look for a list and we wont be hurt again.

For that alone gives me the answer that I have been struggling to reach for the last month. I wont let anyone hurt us ever again, especially John.

Finally here

I really didn't think that the weekend was ever going to get here, however, it has arrived. The beginning of my week was extremely trying and tested my will. I was able to dig deep inside of myself and realize that I needed some regrouping time. Which BTW starts at hmm about ten tomorrow morning. At first I think I will be in shock to be in "the van" by myself, music blaring, feeling free. Eventually I will not feel so lost as I frequently do at the beginning of any free time when not mothering those sweet little devils, I mean angels. But SANITY will take over!!


Today I sat alone, answering one call after another. During slow times I was able to read a literary magazine and draw a pretty good picture. Well at least for my kind of art I think it was pretty good. Actually I was able to not get frustrated and almost finish it. I contemplated finishing it tonight, but the rational side of me says don't even touch it. The chances are that I would fuck something on it up and then do as I usually do,scribble all over it in frustration. At this point I don't want to risk it. If all turns out well I hope to frame her and hang her on my wall or give her away to someone who might appreciate her. Dunno..... Maybe I will get crafty and scan her onto the blog. Dunno...

When I got home today my parents told me that they were going to take their new motorhome to the coast for the holiday. Which works out great for me, I can just come home when I am done at the coast. No need to rent a room! You see it all works out in the end. I was unable to find a room on the coast this weekend, now I don't need one. Although I will admit that I would love to wake up to the view of the coast, in a room all to myself. I have totally forgotten what it is like to be able to walk around naked. Not that it is a pleasant sight, but when you're alone, you are the only judge.

Ok enough of the how great it is gonna be tomorrow talk. Reality is that I am using this day to sort some out some major decisions in my life. I know that one day isn't going to solve all of my problems. The goal is to find the path that I feel is right for me. I think I know what it is, but I need to be sure. Being away from this computer, the house and my family is the only thing that can encourage the positive energy I will be able to contribute to these matters. There really are few certainties in life, discovering what they are is surely good. Ok I am rambling nonsense.

Be on the look out for some Oregon Coast ocean pics loaded up on Sunday! And of course a general run down of my "free time".

Take care!

~Cheers, Julie

Vacant mind

Things are kinda going my way. But really what is my way? Ya'll might have a different perspective of what that is then I do. So to sum it up, I have a free day and night Saturday. Going to the coast for sure, possibly Lincoln City, not sure. What bites about all this is that I cannot find a place to stay. I am just going to pack my stuff up and leave, if I find a place to stay the I will stay. If not I will drive home late. Sounds easy to me. Seriously I cant wait, I mean my mind cannot wait. My body is just here to deliver the message....

On another note I read this magazine today that a co-worker lent me. It was full of amateur writings and photography. I managed to read the entire thing inbetween calls before 10:30. Amazing! She subscribes to it and said she would bring some of the previous issues in for me. I love finding new interests. Not that I don't read, actually I read a lot, just haven't had my hands on this before.

Life seems to be settling down for me lately. I've been making a conscious effort to return to where I want to be. Now if I could get some sleep, I would have a pretty well rounded life....I think.

Thanks Liisa for that great talk we had the other day. I appreciate you reminding me of who I am now and what is at stake....ME.
Also a special thanks to you Staci for the supportive posts and e-mails, your wealth of knowledge touches me deeply.

~Cheers, Julie

Going my way

Seems like my weekend plan is working out so far. At this point I just need to find somewhere to stay. Which of course may not be easy considering it is Memorial Day Weekend. My hopes are high and I am confident that I will get what I am needing this weekend. I had some more added to my plate last night. Nothing bad, just not what I was expecting. My parents propositioned me with a plan that I don't think I REALLY can pass up. But in all fairness to ME I will add this to my list of decisions to make over the weekend, and in the mean time I will mull it over.


~Cheers, Julie

Space the final frontier

I have been running off of 5 hours of sleep today. My body is very tired, my mind cannot rest. Life is at odds right now. Simply for one reason, and today I acknowledge that reason. I have a plan to return to the place that I want to be, where I need to be. As of tonight I am going to start looking for someone to watch my oldest daughter all day Saturday and for the night. The youngest will be with her dad, so no worries there! Then I will find some place to stay on the coast, destination unknown at this point. I am actually going to spend the money to hopefully get something with a view of the ocean. Then when I arrive I am just going to be. With nothing to do but deal with me and the conclusion in which I WILL draw. I hope that this all works out for me and I can find some joy in the day.
Later

When I needed you

I remember the night that I needed you. You weren't there anymore. Lost is the feeling that I felt without you. I tried to believe that you still wanted me, although you are gone. It seems like I am blind, unable to see, arms waving before me trying to find something to grasp onto. Nothing is real anymore, you are gone.

I remember the night that I cried for you, or at least that you would be there to hold me. You weren't there anymore, maybe you were never there. I cant tell. I woke up and thought I felt your arms around me, yet they weren't. Not even sure I know what that feels like, so I pretend.

I remember the night I waited for you to call and you never did. The feelings that overwhelmed me spinning out of control. Cant believe that I thought you would call, you only do when you see fit. I have heard all the excuses before, this is not new to me and you.

I remember the night that I held the blade to my skin, or at least my thoughts were so vivid that I could feel the coolness touch me. Yet I didn't do it. Instead I let my thoughts come out on paper, makes the pain almost as real.

I remember when I decided not to care anymore. Or at least that is what I try to convince myself to keep moving forward. Wishing all those tears that I had tucked away would once again visit me. Yet they don't, they elude me like sleep often does. I think I can feel them, rationality takes over, and they are gone again.

I remember always being in pain, yet being too strong to let my emotions out.

I want to remember all the good times in life, not just the bad ones that drive my walls up and shut me down.

Drinking a granita

Drinking a granita........
and dreaming about my favorite coffee spot on Capital Hill in Seattle. My next trip up north is the July 4th weekend, and I am hoping that the kids will drive with my parents so I can stop up on the hill. I spent some very SOBER years living on the hill. Not a place I would want to raise my kids, however some place that I hold very exciting and fond in my heart. Anyways my favorite granita was at B&O espresso in the Broadway Market. That will be the first stop for my mini van. After I have that drink in hand the rest of the trip should literally go by with a zing! Two more hours to Whidbey Island, think I will take the ferry. The water, all the water up there brings out a sense of freedom for me. I am thinking that I might head into the city on Saturday or Sunday with some of my siblings. Maybe take in a little of the night life, who knows. Clearly I will need to get a new memory card for my camera so I can capture all that I have missed.

On another note, our softball game was cancelled today because the field is a wreck. Of course at practice last night I already knew it. So instead we are going to do some fielding and hitting on the grass. Hopefully we will make some more progress and come together. It is always different playing each season with new players due to turn over at work. This year I think we are fortunate enough to have people WITHOUT shitty attitudes. I guess I will find out next week.

Be back later to post how I am really feeling....

~Cheers, Julie

I have no control

I have no control over my big black hairy pussy. My big black hairy pussy keeps clawing at my daddy's couch. I think my daddy might kill my big black pussy, so I will need to have someone come and take it away.

Oh please give prayers for my big black hairy pussy.......cat

I remember the love

I remember the love I used to feel when I saw you.
The way my heart would beat faster when I was around you.
The anticipation of when I would see you next or a simple phone call.
The way you would get up at four in the morning and make me coffee and breakfast so I could leave the house with a smile on my face.
Those are the things I remember.
The way you worshiped every curve on my body.
How you couldn't wait to hold me every night we were together.
I remember the love I felt in my heart.
That is the love that drove me to be kind, compassionate and a great partner.
Now I can remember that love, but I no longer feel it in my heart.
It is simply a memory that I wish I could reach out and grasp.
Instead my mind fills with all the ways that I was not showed that I was loved.
Love replaced with disrespect, jealously, hatred and cruelty.
It eased over us so very slowly, like a poison seeping into my veins and taking over my body.
I didn't want to believe that something so wonderful that had felt so right could be this wrong.
My soulmate, confidant turned ugly and overbearing.
I let my soul wither in the house in which love no longer dwelled.
It cried out for love and respect when it no longer had enough to sustain life.
I can still remember the love because I see it more now then I have in a long time.
But I cannot grasp onto something that I remember being right when it turned out so wrong.
So in my heart I know I must let it go and just remember the love that I felt for you in that stage of my life.


~Cheers, Julie

I saw something beautiful

and it made my heart sing. As I was walking out of the store with my two girls I looked up and saw a double full rainbow. It was so amazing. But what was even better was my kids and the joy that filled there faces as they gazed at it. We drove down Delta Hwy as the rain came down so fast and furious, but they fixated on that wonderful blend of colors in the sky. When the rain stopped I lowered my window took my camera phone out and took a picture. My oldest daughter sat and stared at the picture with a smile that I couldn't even begin to explain.
I saw something beautiful tonight and it made my heart sing.

~Cheers

Something is wrong here

I don't belong here.
Fuck, a bad thing has happened.
I have been visiting this site called queendom.com.
It is a bunch of stories from mostly women about specific topics.
Topics like, divorce, abuse, pain etc... you know, real life shit.
I came across a board on SI (self injury).
It clearly states to be aware that reading the posts could be triggering.
Really it has been a long time since I have actively injured myself, at least cutting.
There are however other ways that I cause bodily harm.
The only one that my friends know about is my pleasure in the pain that tattooing gives me.
I like tattoos and enjoy working on the art that I am going to have inked on my body.
But I really enjoy the pain, and I understand why.
I would explain it, but what I have discovered is that people either get it or don't.
So you either have already nodded your head in understanding or you are shaking it in confusion.
I have another major physical SI thing that I do.
I have tried to stop, and find that I do it unconsciously.
After reading all of the posts on queendom I can admit that I do some form of SI.
Really this is the first time I have admitted it in words.
I guess this is my first step.
Just like my good ole AA days...Admitted we were powerless and needed help.
So there you go, I have let you in.
I am not the person that you all think you know.
This is me.
http://www.queendom.com/kettle/self-injury/k_selfinj.html

The rescue

Recently I learned the value of being my own best friend... Sometimes we get to a point where we realize that a situation is not for our own highest good. It can mean walking away. People come and go from our lives... the lesson is to LEARN from each encounter then to let it go... Wishing the person involved love. Then moving forward.



Nikki (38) from New Zealand
http://www.queendom.com/kettle/half/k_half6.html

Listen to me

I dont wanna fucking talk about it.

I get lost

I get lost

deep within

I get lost

screaming thoughts invade my mind

I get lost

numb with pain

I get lost

weaving my web

I get lost

circling from above

I get lost

whispering your name

I get lost

questioning today

I get lost, until I close my eyes

Blade runs deep

Blade runs deep
Dragging across my skin
Glistening drops of my life spill out
This pain numbs my emotions
Relief engulfs my body
I fall limp to my knees
Begging my soul to open up
Wanting to cry out, voice silent
Mind losing momentum
Sleep invades me

Grassy fields

Grassy Fields

Sun shining, wind blowing, I am there. Standing in the middle of a beautiful field, one in which resembles a place I used to visit in Seattle. The grass tickling my calves, my skin dry from the dramatic breeze. Darkness covers the sky above me, salt water mists race across my lips. There I am standing alone. All I want to do is run, as if I am escaping you. But I cant see you. This feeling causes me to run in this field that has no ending, so I stop and start to spin like a child. Twisting my life away, ready to awaken from these thoughts. On the ground, silky grass beneath me, wondering why I retreat to this beautiful place, what does it all mean? I can see you by the tree watching me, never understanding what pushes me to run through the grassy fields and find relief.

The human race

Today.....just another Monday morning. I was sitting at work answering phone call after phone call, as I usually do. When I get this really messed up call from this guy named Shawn. I cant remember where he said he was calling from. By the sound of the background noise it appeared to be from a call center. He was asking for something that I thought to be odd, so I questioned him, acting like I was stupid so I could get more info from him. To sum it up, he didn't like my questions so in a very monotone voice he said "Hey bitch why don't you see if you can find my big cock shoved down your throat, fucking whore, stupid fucking bitch". So on and so fourth. It struck me odd because he was using a normal tone as if to not arose suspicion in the co workers around him. The entire thing was really screwed up. So my quote for the day was "On days like this, you have to sit back and ponder humanity". Anyway I took it in as another piece of garbage in the world.
On another note, I spent a few hours reformatting my blog, not like you couldn't tell. Yeah there are some things pretty messed up on it. Eventually I will figure it out and will be amazed that I actually did it by myself. But it is my driven curiosity and some insight from Liisa that got me to this new blogskin. Let me know what you think.

~Cheers, Julie

I will remember you....

I will remember you

Will you remember me? Don’t let your life pass you by. Weep not for the memories. Remember the good times that we had? I let them slip away from us when things got bad. How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun. Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one. I will remember you. Will you remember me? Don’t let your life pass you by. Weep not for the memories.

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep. It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word. We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard. But I will remember you. Will you remember me? Don’t let your life pass you by. Weep not for the memories.

I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose. Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose. Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night. You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light. And I will remember you. Will you remember me? Don’t let your life pass you by. Weep not for the memories. And I will remember you. Will you remember me? Don’t let your life pass you by. Weep not for the memories. Weep not for the memories.

~Sarah McLachlan

Who cares anyways?

So I am sitting here writing, and I notice something from the corner of my blurry contact. Yikes, a not so pretty looking fat spider. Just carefully walking across the cordless phone base. Not too concerned about me and the school newsletter that I grasp in my hand. First instinct is to nail it with the paper and clean it's juicy body parts up when I am done. Instead, I instantly think about Jillian and her love for spiders. How excited she would be right now examining that spider. Needless to say I just redirected it by blowing on it's hairy ass. Now I am going to be sitting here wondering if it will do me the favor back and leave me alone. Just a thought.
On another note, I have a confession. I have been messing with Paul on their websites. Posting as anonymous so he wont know it is me. It appears that someone else has joined in with the fun as well by posting anonymous. How can he not know it is me? I finally told Jeremy tonight that it was me, of course he said that he knew it. Whatever! He did give me some pointers on how to keep my cover longer. My goal is to make sure that Paul doesn't figure out it is me, and that he doesn't attempt to like me. That would be cruel. And although cruelty at times can be fun to think about, action or steps to play it out is not my thing. I finally feel like I have a level playing ground with him. Because he knows nothing about me, because I am anonymous. Before he would taunt me based on whatever his assumptions were. Now I can make believe whoever I think he wants me to be. Hehehehe.

Anyways I really don't feel like being deep right now. I just wanna be me, for all that's worth. Which these days, is a lot.

~Cheers

Watching you watching me

I cant help but to sit here and stare at you on my computer screen. It is all that I have, and have ever known of you. I wonder what it will be like to see you in person. Will I want to embrace you because of all the things that we have shared with each other? Or will I keep my distance with slight embarrassment because I have exposed what lies deep inside of me? Are you going to be the same person that shows his caring side, and also becomes frustrated with me? What if you see me and become suddenly let down? We are just friends so I guess it doesn't matter. But nights of talking and looking at each other can build a image that may not exist. Do you really know the person that I am, or just who I come across as on this computer, using these toneless words? Sometimes I just cant tell, and sometimes it really doesn't matter. In the long run I am thankful that I was able to spend hours of my life right here in this chair watching you watching me on the web cam.

Yesterday, today and ever after

What does it mean? The signs, can you see them? Do you want to see them? I can remember a time in my life when I didn't have the knowledge to realize that they even existed. As the awareness level rose, so did the ability to look the other way. You see then it became a choice, which in it's self is quite powerful. The signs, choices, like coming to a four way stop in the road. Which direction will I turn. Sometimes it seems easier to turn certain directions, no resistance. But eventually you must turn the other way, or life is a endless circle. A self fulfilled pattern that we engage in, at times unknowingly, unwillingly. Or so it seems, but simple by going the same direction every time, you are in the knowing and become willing. You know? Then there are times when you don't even see the stop signs, your vision and life is so guarded that you keep moving forward. Not knowing exactly what you are moving towards. A crazy notion inside, moving that direction. Maybe that is called determination. All these directions we can run towards with open arms, as if life didn't exist without them. The urgency to get through whatever may be occurring at any given moment. Not pausing to realize that maybe slowing down is the remedy. All the people we pass by on this journey. The people that we have ran over along the way. Some who just got in our ways and others that we chose to crush without hesitation. Did they chose that direction? Of course they did. But people generally don't knowingly, consciously that is, set out to get ran over by others. It happens, it is at times circumstantial. These are all choices, you see life is a choice. You can wake up and with open arms embrace the direction you are heading. You can let the current whisk you away to become someone else's unfortunate victim they run over along the way. Or you can make a choice, to chose a new direction at the four way stop in the road.

Understand?

The ever so elusive Jeremy, AKA Voodstoc

Personally I think this is a decent picture of Jeremy. Notice the poor boys shins, OUCH. Guess that is normal for the type of "things" that they do on their bikes....Hehehe boys on bikes. But ask yourself why does Jeremy wear shorts? Do you think I should buy him a set of soccer shin guards so he doesn't further damage his legs? Joke! Stay tuned, tomorrow I will upload a picture of my special friend Paul.

As for now, tonight, I need to resign myself to removing my contacts, putting my specs on, journaling a bit and hopefully sleeping.

~Cheers

Crying...does me justice

I tried so hard to hold my tears back tonight. But I couldn't. The frustration of making a parenting plan, talking about child support, having a sinus headache and my emotions just tossed me over the edge. I swear to whatever god is that I think my head is on a launch pad and the timer to countdown has gone off. For if this posting just stops you will know that my head has now launched into the plaster ceiling above me. Or perhaps my eyes will shoot out of my head from the pressure I am feeling and attach themselves to this wonderful monitor that I am trying to use with my tear tarnished contacts in place. At this point who fucking knows. I say What the FUCK. I knew this emotion crap was going to come out, it just needed the right trigger. Tonight was the night. Seemingly calm even, dinner with my pseudo family, easy going "paperwork" of course saving the most difficult until last. Getting the kids ready for bed while juggling this is no easy task, but so very my life. I was sitting right here in this same stupid uncomfortable folding chair type away numbers into that wonderful State of Oregon Child Support Calculator when BOOM!!!!
The debate about monthly income started and I LOST it. Something about being told by your soon to be ex spouse that he is unemployed now (laid off) and is going to be making $150.00 per week due to the job that he held before he graduated with a Bachelors degree in Economics. NICE yeah really really nice. Then he proceeds to say that he could say his income would be $1256.00 per month based on that last working wage, or some shit like that. HELLO lost it! I just stood up and said "ok get your financial documents together and I will see you in court. I will not deal with you telling me that as a means to barter, you want to talk about your income and you are going to say that I make XX more then you." Ok Ok I cant relive this anymore. I went over board and was unable to get grounded for hmmm about 15 minutes, needless to say I pissed him off. End result I told him to write down what he wanted me to consider and that was the end of that.
Then I broke, broke down, trying to hold it back. I couldn't damnit. He left, I got Jilly to bed, and escaped to the computer in hopes that I could find a way to write it all down and get it all out. My life keeps playing and playing over and over again in my head. As to not allow me to ever live my choices down. Not to ever escape my past . Yet I know it has to be this way, I know that I have to be reminded of who I am and the experiences that molded me into this person. There are days when I want to scream out loud at the shit I have gone through, run away and pretend it isn't real. But then who the hell would I be? I have been given the great opportunity to live through some pretty traumatic experiences. Notice how I say great opportunity? Who would I have been if those horrible things wouldn't have happened to me? A cheerleader? The kind of chic that looked and acted like everyone else just because she yearned to fit in? No I already knew that I had no business fitting in with all those people that were in denial of who they were. I know that some of you understand what I am talking about. And if you don't, good for you, maybe life has been a piece of cake. But for me I am going to say, tomorrow is a new day, that is the truth. Every night I go to bed or at least try to, I know that when I get up I once again get to choose the path for yet another day. For some reason I find that comforting enough to go to bed, believing that this too shall pass.

~Cheers

Bitter Sweet Revenge

Ok for the record, I am sick and tired of Paul's rude, sinister comments about me. What the heck did I do to deserve this crap? I am going to put links to each and every one of his comments about me on this posting for all of you to read and enjoy. If while reading this, anyone has questions about "the night" in question, please feel free to ask. Actually it is a funny story when you add the two sides together. Anyways, here we go.....
This what started it http://bloodybikebrigade.blogspot.com/2005_01_01_bloodybikebrigade_archive.html
don't forget to read the comments, and you ask yourselves why on earth is Julie still talking to him? Yeah good question. Ok so I had NO idea that this blog even existed until sometime in late February. When young Jeremy gave me the link to the blog after I asked who the almighty "Paul" was. So either he did want me to read it or he didn't think I would start cruising all the interesting postings. It pissed me off to say the least, that is when the next post comes into play.
http://bloodybikebrigade.blogspot.com/2005/03/internet-babe-strikes-back.html

Please don't forget to read the comments. They are trying really hard to get me worked up so that I will lash out. Damn control is hard!

Oh here is some more picking on me... and the best part, the SORRY posting.
http://bloodybikebrigade.blogspot.com/2005_03_01_bloodybikebrigade_archive.html
You will find the cheer on the above link, oh and BTW did you know I can chew up concrete and metal?

Not only do we have "Paul" having fun with me on his blog, but now he likes to fuck with me on Jeremy's blog as well. Here is the latest masterpiece. Grain of salt baby, take it with a grain of salt.
http://kidsbike.blogspot.com/

Have fun reading, I will be posting later!

The link below is what happened last night and my response this afternoon. BTW I am done with this crap.

http://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=8958197&postID=111535678472751558

~Cheers

Keeping on the down low

Ok I am finally going to admit it, I am sick. To some point I believe I have control over my physical wellbeing. In terms of how much I chose to allow stress to enter my life, and what internalizing I do with it. For me this can break my body down. This week has been nothing but physical signs for me that I need to get some of it resolved and released. Basically it is killing me, slowly. Nothing is in sync with my body because my mind is in turmoil. I just don't have a lot to say right now about anything. This girl at work sent me this e-mail and chewed me out because she felt like I was short with her. You know what? I don't have the energy for that shit. I politely told her that I very well may have been. My plate is full, and that I would listen to and consider the things that she had said to me. I left it like that. She can do what she pleases with it, I have no control over her interpretations of my attitude. I only can control what I contributed to the situation. So fuck it. Yeah Staci and Marti I said it, fuck it. Oh well.
Anyways I am going to go to bed in hopes of slumber, and healing of my body.

~Cheers

I need not sacrifice myself to love you....

There are a thousand things she said.....She will never say those things to you again. She turned and walked away as she had done numerous times before today. Slowing down to look back at his face, as to see his sorrow. This time she saw no sorrow, only his back as he crept away into the night. Somehow that made her want him more, to feel his embrace. No, that is not what she wanted to do. Instead she methodically repeated the same thing over and over again in her mind. As to convince herself of what she was doing. Because she was unsure if the strength she had would be enough. Thoughts of blissful happiness were the only focus she let in. Obviously in denial of the years of sadness and pain that surrounded those brief blissful moment. Oh her mind was a dangerous place to spend time in, she often found herself there unwillingly. Today was not unlike other days that she wrestled with the choices she had made. But today, he walked away, she knew he had finally listened to what she had said too many times. On her knees in despair, just shy of the middle of a busy street, the rain came down.

She lay there paralyzed.

Trust

I cant stop looking at the horizon when the sun sets each night. Hoping that each day I have spent on this earth will become suddenly clearer. Desperate to make some type of sense out of the constant misery that I find sensible and comforting in my life. Sometimes, just sometimes I stand on the outside of my world and look in, simply to observe. Analyzing each choice and the process I took to get there. At times I can say it's no wonder I have been married twice now, twice failed that is. Then I get a glimpse of the person that I show the world. As if it were my alter ego, the part of me that can take charge and be the adult, but what dwells within remains a secret. Remains a secret as to not create unneccessary concern, this is the life I have been molded into. And it is mine to embrace. I am not depressed, I am not suicidal, my issues are around controlling my feelings. Trusting myself that when I let them out they will not engulf my being. Trust, yes trusting myself.

Closure

Today I had closure, to some extent. I agreed to attend a therapy session with John in regards to a domestic violence incident which had become the demise of our marriage. Through many of my own counseling sessions, I had already processed and came to a conclusion that would allow me to move forward on this issue. But to sit in a room at his request, with his therapist and know what the desired outcome, was in short intimidating. The outlook that I chose to have on this event is for pure growth. The experience I had today was like that of many other discussions we have had to resolve problems. The difference was that I had someone who was able to stop and ask him if he understood what I was saying. I am extremely grateful that I took the risk to attend this session. She really challenged him to re-evaluate the events that occurred that night last summer. Part of me wants to write the blow for blow of each moment of this account of history that was talked about today. But I am not. The bottom line is that when the session was over and we were at our cars in a very awkward moment, he turned to me and said "Julie I need to tell you something. That night, I know it started in the livingroom. I know that I was rough on you and that I caused this situation to happen. I am really sorry." I said "OK, thanks, I know you know, thanks for admitting it".
That was the moment that released from me any leftover guilt from that night and what I had contributed to the situation. I was in the KNOW, and I trust myself, and I will not be treated as if I have done something wrong, when I have not.

For now I am going to end this story and be grateful that I am a person that can be compassionate about others and give empathy.

Cheers~

Fishing Trip

Later in the day yesterday I started to suffer what I call a mix of allergies and cold symptoms. These two things together are a awful combination for me and can take me from a great productive day to lying in bed wallowing. Yesterday was that type of a day. John came over late afternoon as to work on the "respondent" paperwork on our divorce. Unfortunately I felt so bad that my nose was literally dripping snot, and I was sneezing inbetween the drips. Any progress that we seemed to have made the day prior had been lost. I had no energy nor patience for this type of discussion. That is when the fishing trip started. I wont go into details, because they are irrelevant. What I will say is that at some point in February I called John when I was upset. Some situations that had occurred in my life at that time made me question the path that I was taking with my marriage. Out of fear, sadness and confusion I called on him. Totally inappropriate. He wanted to know what had happened to cause such feelings. I vaguely answered and I realized that this was not the person that I should be talking to. For that, he had many a nights to ponder my "vague" situation. Last night was the time for him to fish me. Fishing is when you ask a question that you know you wont get the answer you are looking for, which leads you to even more bullshit. The kind of crap that starts a fight. He did, all progress suddenly lost. I began to spiral down into those confusing feelings I once felt every day in our marriage.
If I had never called him and talked to him we wouldn't be here right now. I admitted that much. What I clearly wont take responsibility for is, what he chose to do with what I told him and how he is deciding to treat me now. Fortunately we worked through this issue. BTW he admitted to the fishing trip.
Today I am still a mixed bag of emotions. Confused, yet confident that I am doing the right thing. Scared of failure? Yes. Fear of financially being able to make it? Yes.
One of the most important things that I heard today was this "Julie, I don't like to say this or admit it, but I think that you divorcing my ass is the right thing to do".

Cheers~